i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
