but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
