I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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