so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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