why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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