Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
it's like iHOP with fire
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
