so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
