'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
