i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
