A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
