Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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