Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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