if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
