Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
So drunk its hurt
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
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