I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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