youre lurking in front of me
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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