guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
