He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
