I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
