does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Randomize
