Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I have feelings that need drinking.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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