i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
