This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
