She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I believe in your delicious
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
