How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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