I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
