Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
3 2 1 whiskey
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
