Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
