Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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