New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
