Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
