If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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