Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
