Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
