I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
