I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
