Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Houston, we have a squirter
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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