I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
