My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
You smell like stripper and shame
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
