So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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