her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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