I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
