chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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