I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I need to align my fucking chakras
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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