I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
