saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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