So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
