I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
