So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
