Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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