Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
