i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
